Person vs. Self

Why is it that it is in our very being, our very disposition, to keep secrets? Stepping back from the view of our own inner conflict of keeping secrets, we can plainly see that keeping things in the dark is quite impractical. Let me explain. Ahem:

Today in English we talked about the themes of The Scarlet Letter. One of the themes of the book is based along the idea of keeping secrets. There are many examples of this in the book. For one, the good Reverend Arthur Dimmsdale, whom nobody suspects of being sinful, has been consumed by one secret, kept inside his heart for more than 7 long years. The guilt he carries from his adulterous actions has been blocked up inside of him, gnawing at him, wearing him down, making him physically ill. For seven years, he lives his public life as if nothing were wrong, as if nothing ailed him. For seven years, he let no other soul of his sin, and with nobody to confide in, nobody to confess to, he let his guilt, his secret, fester inside of him like a cancerous organ. He tried various things in order to rid himself of his guilt, but to no avail. He would fast for days, whip himself furiously, and hypocritically confess his sins to his congregations, knowing that they would not see him for what he was. He only added to his guilt and poor health through trying to keep these things secret; his secret grew so rank that it ended up killing him. His secret helped nobody.

Another example, taken from a post that Jaron put up a while back, is something that I think a lot of us can relate to. Sorry for the repetition, but I really do like this story...

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7^th grade. I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so-called “best friend.” I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked for the notes she had missed the day before, and I handed them to her. She said “Thanks,” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love her, but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

11^th grade. The phone rang, and it was her on the other end. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After two hours, a Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said “Thanks,” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love her, but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Senior Year. The day before prom, she walked to my locker. “My date is sick,” she said. “He’s not gonna go.” Well, I didn’t have a date, and in 7^th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would do together just as “best friends.” So we did.

Prom night. After everything was over, I was standing at her front doorstep. I stared at her, and she smiled at me. I want her to be mine, but she doesn’t think of me like that and I know it. Then she said, “I had the best time, thanks!” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love her, but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Graduation Day. A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, “You’re my best friend, thanks!” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love her, but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

A few years later. I sat in the pews of the church. That girl got married. I watched her say “I do” and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, “You came! Thanks!” and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love her, but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Years passed. I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my “best friend.” At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:

“I stare at him, wishing he was mine, but he doesn’t notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love him, but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me…”

I wish I did too, I thought to myself, and cried.

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I'm sure this has happened to us all at one point in our lives. Yeah, not the the extreme presented in the story, but in one way or another. I know its happened to me multiple times. I'm interested in a girl, and I don't make any sort of a move to get to know said girl, and I am left to wonder, never getting to actually know her. Well, it is either that, or I am interested in a girl, I make pitiful attempts to impress said girl, and in the end, make a fool out of myself. Thats generally the case with me.

Anway, the thing I am trying to get at here folks, is what good does keeping a secret do us? They don't help the situation. Secrets don't introduce you to the girl that caught you eye (or the guy that caught you eye for you female readers), they don't help you get to know that person; secrets don't confess a sin, and secrets don't make you any better. If secrets don't leave you wondering, then they are going to hurt you directly as they fester over time. Sure, it might not kill you like our good friend Reverend Dimmsdale, but why bother with the pain or the empty feeling that your secrets give you? Why struggle with the mixed emotions? Why keep yourself from the blessings--physical or spiritual--that you might obtain by mearly baring all?

I'll tell you why. It is like I said in the introduction to this post. It is in our very human nature to hide the truth. I beleive that we are afraid to see what happens to us after our secrets are revealed. How will I be punished for the crime or sin I know I committed? How will the girl react if I tell her? Will she run in fear? Will she just laugh at you? Or will she feel the same way you do? If so, is that really a good thing?

You see, the only reason we keep secrets is fear. We are wusses. We don't want to bear the consequences of whatever our secrets will reveal. We are more content to sit and bear our guilt or wonder about the possibilities than we are in freeing ourselves of the burdens.

I am here to say that we need to try our best to change this course of events. I think that if each of us just said what we felt, or what we felt needed to be said, then the world would be a happier place. Guilt wouldn't burden us down, and our thoughts would turn from, "but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me…" to, "he loves me, and she knows I love her." We could go from there, and we wouldnt have so many wounds to try and patch up.

I am also here to say that, even though this sounds like a great thing to me, I know inside myself that it is a lot harder than I make it sound. I accept the fact that the secrets I carry today will still most likely be with me tomorrow. Sure, the secrets I carry aren't things that are going to eat at me like Reverend Dimmsdale, but I will probably miss out on some of the rewards and blessings I could get if I only confessed my feelings. I really am going to put forth an effort at this, but I can't change human nature.

The moral of the story? Start with small things. Tell somebody something nice that you would normally be afraid of saying. Tell that friend that they look nice. Tell someone how you wronged them, and make ammends. Make a difference. Let your secrets out, and share your life with your friends and family. They are there to help you, but can't do so if you won't let them.

Way to go guys, I'm really glad I have the friends that I do. The new, the old, the guys, the girls. You guys make the difference in my education and my life, you guys give me that drive that I might not have otherwise. Thanks to all of you, those who know you've made a difference, and those who might not realise the impact they've had. You are all appreciated.

Over and out, Kyle J.