English Response: "Eat Poop!"

We had to read this super long sermon that was written by some dude in 1741 in English last time. For those of you who don't have Parrish, you can read it here. Its pretty boring, but you might appreciate it. Here goes.

“Eat Poop!”

I’m beginning to think that the Puritans weren’t really all that pure. After reading the first half of the sermon by Jonathan Edwards, I was beginning to question if any of the Puritan people ever had any hope in their lives. After hearing, “there is nothing that keeps wicked men at any one moment out of hell, but the mere pleasure of God” several dozen times, it actually occurred to me that this guy was serious. His opinion was, “you suck, if God doesn’t like you, you have no chance”, and he really believed that. He was convinced that the only reason that the people in his congregation woke up that morning was because God didn’t feel like casting them all to Hell just yet.

In his talk, he called his congregation vile sinners, who we so filthy that provoked the eyes of God just by being in his holy house. I don’t know about you, but if I heard stuff like, “you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours” at church, I would probably throw a Hymn book at the speaker and tell him to suck a lemon.

It is my opinion that God loves all of us. He wants every one of us to do our best, and he stands ready to let us all in to his presence if we follow his commandments. He is our spiritual Father in Heaven, and he is a loving father who wants us all to find our way home. I say that this Jonathan Edwards guy needs a reevaluation of his scriptures, because I haven’t ever seen any doctrine that says God wants us to burn; rather, I have read the contrary, as I have already stated. My message to any of you who might read this---and I will make it considerably shorter than my good friend Jonathan’s message---is that God loves all of you, and we all have the opportunity to return to his open arms. Do your part; you’ll reap what you sow.